My Race For Life Experience....

MY RACE FOR LIFE EXPERIENCE - Photo Fest

As the title of the post suggests, yesterday I participated in the Race for Life - a cause that is extremely dear to my heart. As my training went to the way side due to various summer colds, hay fever and if i'm honest a lack of get up an go. Because of this I ended up walking it. I managed to do it in 1 hour 9 minutes and 33 seconds. Which, considering that we had blazing heat, then rain, then gusting wind, then blazing heart, then rain, then gusting wind over and over and over again I'm happy with. That and according to my Map My Walk app it was 5.10k  NOT 5 k - that extra .10 of a k absolutely made all the difference. Today I am paying for it, i'm incredibly sore, my poor achilles of my bad (arthritic, once snapped) leg is really sore and even my shoulder blades ache. At 2.5k my bad leg threw a bit of a paddy and started to refuse to co-operate with me so for the last 2.5k I'm pretty sure my left leg was doing all the work. For that last k I was staring at my trainers, counting out 100 steps then looking up, then back to the floor - because if I carried on looking upward then the finish line just wasn't coming any closer!! I'd say it was about 1 hour of hell (the first 9 minutes were fine ;) )

But despite all this, all the pain, all the voices in my head telling me to stop, despite my leg throwing a stop I just carried on, putting one foot in front of the other foot. And I finished. And something else, I didn't come last. And something else? Despite it being somewhat slower than I hoped, I did it all without stopping, not even pausing for a second. I did it. I DID IT!!!! I'm even fully intending on doing it again next year. And the year after that. And the year after that. I will do this until there's a cure. I'm also intending to do the Colour Run next year as well - It's fair to say i've caught the bug. It hurt like hell, but as I crossed that finish line a massive smile spread across my face that I couldn't control. And i'm extremely proud of my medal. By this time next year I'll (hopefully) be slimmer and fitter and smash my time from this year.

What was particularly lovely was that my Mr stood there, at the finish line, and cheered me on. And the first thing he said was 'You did amazing, I'm so proud of you!' :) He also took loads of photos.

I actually hate this photograph. But for the sake of showing of my Tutu i've put it up on here. :)

They set off tinsel canons. I played with it. lol

T'awwwwwww lol

I do wish he wouldn't take photos of me from behind - this is the reason I'm glad I can't see my bottom.This was about 3.2k in

Mr W even bought me a flower to give me once i'd crossed the finish line.

Off there in the distance is my crossing the finish line. Notice the time, that's because I only crossed the start line 3 minutes in. lol.

This is my 'I DID IT!!!' photo. Complete with my medal and my flower from my dear Mr W. I know i'm not smiling, that's because I hate myself when I smile in photos. Over the years I've perfected the one raised eyebrow, smirking photo pose. I have very few photo's of me doing anything else bit this. lol

See, I'm smiling in this one. I've also collapsed onto the grass. The thumbs up was to prove to my mister that I was still alive, and hadn't actually full on collapsed.

I clumped these all together. The top 1 is me pinning by back sign to the why you ran sign, and then there's a photo of my sign amongst the others. And then just a pic showing more of them. The bottom 2 photo's are me, holding up the sign that Mr W was cheering me on with. 

I must admit I'm super proud of myself. I did have a few anxiety attacks before. One before I left the house and one in Dad's car on the way, I'm just thankful I didn't have any at the venue, or even worse, during that would have prevented me from participating. I did it, that's all that matters to me. And if I can do it, lugging around 27 stone in weight, anyone can. Never doubt yourself, even if your the slowest one there your still doing amazing, and it's all for an epic cause. 

Peace Out x

Mirtazapine Munchies

MIRTAZAPINE MUNCHIES

I seem to be suffering pretty badly from the above munchies today. Unfortunately weight gain is a side effect of the medication I'm prescribed to keep me in a state of mind considered normal, as well as other trivial things like going outside, getting out of bed and sleeping. Unfortunately last year I hit a bad patch.

Some of you may remember that i'd just come out of a particularly stressful time of my life when my Mum, who had been sick for months and losing weight at an alarming pace and was in hospital for almost a year - in and out of intensive care, was diagnosed with Cancer. None Hodgkins Lymphoma if we're going to get all technical about it. And during her time in hospital, before she even started on the chemo she contracted Pneumonia and was put on the now defunct Pathway programme (And i'm glad it's defunct, it was the most painful thing i've ever seen. Watching my Mum in a morphine induced semi coma be taken off all nutrients and to be allowed to, essentially, starve to death). During that time I was still working, I was eventually forced to take a month off to sit beside my Mums bed during the above Pathway time but before that I was still working. And balancing as much house work I could manage and balancing the books by paying rent etc for my Dad, who honestly didn't have a clue how to work out what money was coming in and out as Mum had always taken control of that. At the time I also got it into my head that I wasn't allowed to show weakness. Dad was struggling, so was my Brother and I was damned if they were gonna worry about me, the youngest, as well. I remember going into work on a day off and my (then) assistant manager commenting on how calm I was being, and how I was taking the fact that my mum probably wasn't going to make it in my stride. I remember shrugging that off, but when I think about the comment today I think about how cold hearted I must have seen to the rest of the world. My mum came through it, and a few months later I had a full on break down. I remember just lying in my bed in the dark one minute, and the next minute all the feelings and worries and anger that I has buried deep down emerged and I just couldn't stop crying. My boyfriend then, who hadn't been with me too long said he was expecting it. I've always been like that, kept things bottled up until they explode out of me in a torrent of tears and (usually) profanities.

This cycle repeated itself when I started struggling with work. Sleeping has never been my strongest asset, and by the time I eventually went to the Dr's I hadn't been sleeping for more than 3 hours a night for coming up to a year. This meant that when I went into work I was essentially a walking talking Zombie and being in a customer service based job did not make that any easier. It's really hard to be chipper when you feel like your dead. I didn't say anything to anyone about how much I was struggling to get out of bed every morning, and how often I just wanted to sit down in the middle of work and cry. Unfortunately, and stupidly of me, I felt weak and embarrassed by the fact that my mental health was deteriorating. I was put on Zopiclone and Sertraline tablets at the time, but the sertraline just exasperated my anxiety attacks and I became somewhat agoraphobic. Now I'm on Mirtazapine.

I can't say Mirtazapine made me fat. I was fat before I started taking them (If i'm honest I cant actually remember being thin) but they certainly contributed to me putting 2 stone on in a year, and made getting that 2 stone (and the 10 more I need to lose) off more difficult. It generally slows down weight loss, but it also makes you want to go all Pac Man on the kitchen cupboards and eat anything that isn't nailed down. Today I'm feeling it's effect particularly bad but i'm counteracting it by water and propointed up bowls of fruit and fibre. It just makes dieting seem even more like an uphill struggle sometimes. But at the same time Mirtazapine works for me, in the sense that it helps me sleep a lot more, and I do seem to more stable now as oppose to feeling up one minute and down the next. I just want to be a skinny minny who takes Mirtazapine in an ideal universe.

One other thing, and on a much brighter note (I simply must stop these deep, down, depressing blog posts, and I'm sorry for yet another) I have currently discovered one way to take away such naughty,nasty mirtazzy munchies is this wonderful bar of goodness.

(sorry it's a wrapper - I didn't have the good sense to snap a picture before I rammed it down my throat hole)

It's the Co-Op's own, 85% Cocoa Ghanaian Dark Chocolate - It's 6 pp a bar, but as it's dark and 85% it is far more satisfying than a bar of Dairy Milk or what ever. Once I've eaten it my Hunger Monkey is satisfied for a while, rather than me eating it and looking around for something else to eat as that so often happens with milk chocolate.

As always, thanks for listening and

Peace Out 

x x

DIET COKE IS NOT ONLY A BEVERAGE, IT'S HAMMER TIME AND I'M A FATTIE.

DIET COKE IS NOT ONLY A BEVERAGE, IT'S HAMMER TIME AND I'M A FATTIE.

I have a new sparkly, spangled beautiful and, most importantly, fully functioning monitor. Before my new one came I snapped a few piccies to put on here as a way of explaining why I havent posted much. Here they are; 

 This photo here ^ was taken with the flash on. It's on, it's just that the monitor decided to turn the brightness down to 0 and refused to turn back up again.

 This would randomly flash constantly on and off, the little red square moving freely to change settings as and when it pleased, from changing to brightness settings, to screen postion - so the screen moved in and out all the time, kinda hard to explain - I also had the great pleasure of seeing this box in Chinese and Spanish on regular occurrences.

This is the screen with the flash off. Brightness turned down to 0 and that stupid fucking blue box flashing constantly. In hindsight I wish i'd also taken a photo when the brightness was set to 0 and the contrasy said to 100 with no hope of changing it back. It made for some impossible computer tasks and some epic headaches.

But it's all good - Now I have a new one, which is marginally smaller but also works, so swings and round about really isnt it? :) It also meant that I finally got to do what i've been saying i'd do to my old monitor as soon as I got a new one. For months i've been saying it, and I finally got a chance to do it. I took a hammer to the Rat Bastard. And it felt goooooodddd!!

Some may say I have anger issues, but I say it was asking for it, and what's more? I made my new Monitor watch as a form of warning :)

Now i've explained myself about that I can actually start my blog post.

Recently I've been thinking a lot about something I saw on facebook the other week. Long story short a girl I used to go to to school with is on there (though why i'm not entirely sure as I never actually liked the girl when I was 16, now I know about who I am and I really can't stand her) is currently on Slim Fast and has lost 11lb taking her to 8 stone 10lb, and she put a before and after picture up the other day and accompanied it with a status saying " It's Embarrassing to say I was Once a fattie, but hey ho - at least i'm not now" . At the time I just carried on scrolling but it's kept popping back into my head over the past few days and the more I think about it the more angry I get about it. She was embarrassed to be under 10 stone, and I have to lose more than 2 of what she weighs now and i'll still be heavier than she is now. But dont get me wrong, im not sitting here having a one person pity party about how much I need to lose, I'm angry that she was embarrassed to have curves, and she has a daughter. So all i'm thinking is that kid is going to grow up thinking if your over 10 stone your instantly a fattie. It's pathetic. What is there to be embarrassed about? For a start she carried a child in that belly, I don't know. It just kinda sticks in my throat, right down to describing herself as a fattie. In all fairness this is the same girl who put a status up a while back saying when she see's a fat person eating fatty junk food she want't to go over and slap it out of their hands, all whilst deeming it perfectly acceptable to feed a toddler that very same McDonalds. What the hell is wrong people? I'm a fattie and I know it. And I also know that even during my best diet weeks I treat myself to the occasional bar of chocolate or bag of chips because honestly, sometimes you need it.I account for it, I work around it, but I eat it and I bloody well enjoy it whilst I am. Possibly because I plan it out and work around it so it tastes even better. Hell, even on my dodgy weeks I probably eat better than some people half my size, because at the end of the day I know that I can't just eat an entire tub of Ben and Jerry's and not pay for it . Being inside my head some times it's like I have split personality disorder where one side of me is constantly jumping up and down and shouting EAT IT! EAT IT! EAT IT! and the other part of mine is to quiet the childish side down with an apple. Truth is, unless you've ever had a weight issue you won't know just how tempting some foods can be. In a similar respect I read on someones blog recently, I linked her in my last blog post and I'm going to link her again now...  http://weightlossbitch.com/, that she doesn't think a dietician that has never lost weight can help you much. And i'm inclined to agree. If you've never experienced the thought processes that go behind gaining weight you are really in no place to lecture me on how to lose weight. You have no idea what inner turmoil goes through my mind when I'm standing in the chocolate aisle in Tesco. All the qualifications in the world mean nothing if you don't have first hand experience. It's like someone saying they can fly a plane because they've read a book or two about it. Which is possibly why, when I saw a dietician at the age of 20, I had no respect for her as she didn't understand. This past year and a bit has been particularly bad for me diet wise, specifically due to my depression and anxiety that I'm currently going through. I am on medication that makes you gain weight (Mirtazapine) which doesn't help. And Comfort food has always been my crutch so when I'm feeling down and low nothing makes me feel happier than climbing into bed, hiding under my quilt with either a good book or a good film (anything to practise escapism really) and a mound of crisps, chocolate and sweets. To this day that's possibly the thing I struggle with the most. Not just pigging out because i've had a good day. Food makes me feel good, and it's just a case of relearning (I lost about 5 stone in my early 20's, then found it, and more again) which foods give me that feel good comfort food feeling whilst still remaining healthy for me. That being said, tonight I tried out a new recipe using these ingredients;

Now I'm not gonna lie to you, Diet Coke Chicken was something I was extremely unsure of trying. And even when I started making it, mixing Diet Coke with Passata some Lea n Perrins sauce and some salt just seemed so incredibly wrong to me. Even the pouring action felt wrong, and I nearly balled at the stage. But I persevered with it and I have to say it was absolutely lovely.

I had it in 2 multiseeded wraps, with 30g grated cheese on top and it was truly lovely, and tasted so naughty and comforting, it made my tummy smile. And it was really worth the 20pp it all came to (including oven baked onion rings)

So. There you have it. That all got a little serious in the middle didn't it? Sorry for that. Hope to see you again soon - as always

Peace Out x

I hate technology

Ok so I haven't been around much, mainly due to the fact that my computer monitor bit the big one and now it's virtually impossible to spend any time on the computer as it constantly changes the brightness and contrast settings - seriously, doing anything on a computer that it stuck on a setting of contrast 100 and constantly has a blue box flashing to inform you thusly is pretty much mission impossible, particularly if your prone to migraines like I am. Yay. I have ordered a new monitor, so once it's been delivered and setting up blogging shall continue as usual. Think of me as the Network Rail of the blogging world, services have been disrupted due to maintenance issues... Actually, don't think of me as that. I still want people to like me. At the minute this blog is brought to you by sneaking onto my Sister In Laws (14 years old) laptop that I have other night as I was fixing it, because this is not my laptop this post will be A) Devoid of images, which sucks as I like breaking up my text blocks but I can't really do it the same on someone elses computer in good conscience, and B) Brought to you by Google Chrome Incognito Mode, which stops pages you've been on from showing in search history - so yeah, it's basically a Porn Friendly feature. I'm doing this as, despite how long i've been blogging, there are very few people who know I blog. And those that do don't know my wed address. And id like to keep it that way as it means I get the chance to be completely candid in my posts with little fear of consequences.

Anyway, next Sunday is my Race For Life. And I am absolutely fucking bricking it. Training fell desperately to the way side due to hayfever and various colds, and bouts of sinusitus. As it is, i've already come to terms with the fact that I'll be walking it rather than walking/jogging stints thanks to my hayfever being epicly bad this year, I'm on antihistamines for the first time since I was a teen (many moons ago).

Diet wise I'm ok. This week I gained 1 lb. But i'm actually happy with that as I was pretty sick this week and plenty of comfort food orientated meals were bad, if I hadn't got back on the plan on Tuesday to practice damage limitation it could have been so much worse. But onwards and downwards. This week i'm gonna try and make Diet Coke Chicken - I've never made it before, but i've heard many many good things and i've even conviced my Mr to give it a go. Despite his face when I told him I wanted to eat chicken cooked in Diet Coke for a meal this week. God I hope it turns out nice, I'll never hear the last of it if it's not yummy.

So yeah, that's pretty much it this evening. I promise to post a better blog once I get my new monitor all sorted out. But before I go, please check out this blog. She has done so well so far, and is still doing amazing. I've been reading a fair few of her posts on this here laptop (in incognito mode, naughty naughty) and fully intend on catching up on her blog more when I have more freedom to access the internet once my stupid monitor has been delivered. I'm finding her a real inspiration right now.  http://weightlossbitch.com/

Thanks, and as always,

Peace Out x x

If your making a change, I applaud you.

My deepest apologies, it has been a wee while. In my defence, if I haven't been training for this blasted 5k (love it really) i've been at various dr appointments. I also haven't been eating right if I'm being totally honest with you. I always seem to go off the rails when the kids are off school, I don't even have kids! I think it's because I'm scared of going out running and stuff - I don't care you are, the scariest thing in the world is running past people when your fat - hell, even walking past teenagers makes me break out in a cold sweat these days. And the thing is, it shouldn't be that way. No one should ever be ashamed to take the first step on a journey - it takes bravery. Real bravery to make a change, no matter if it's to lose weight or step into the unknown in any way shape or form. If your doing that right now, I applaud you - your one brave Mother Fucker for telling the world to 'Do One' whilst you make changes for you. Seriously, give your self a pat on the back. Your Awesome.

Anyway, I digress ( iI do that a lot ), I'm back to being good now, and the 5k training commences this week. My current best time is 1 hour 2 minutes and 58 seconds. And I think thats awesome. Really, Top Notch. Especially when I started at 1 hour 12 minutes. My goal on the day is to do it under an hour, and that might not seem like a lot, but as a fat runner, thats awesome. On my last training sesh I even run for further and than for longer than I ever have, which just goes to show you I'm doing better. :) Also, last time I went out running I got to my little secluded patch of heaven and got ready to run and there were work men there. OH NO! I almost turned back then and there and said screw it. I'm not going to be someone's source of amusement, and something they talk about in the pub. But I didn't. I took a deep breath. And carried on (and ended up getting my current fastest time) and you know what else, the work man didn't even blink an eye. Didn't even look at me. Didn't even care that there was a fat girl running laps near him struggling to breath.

I urge all fat people out there to, if medically possible - don't kill yourselves - to take up running. It's one of the hardest thing i've ever ever done in my entire life. But I swear, the buzz I get off it after I've finished it, and it says 5k on my Map My Fitness App is like no others.

Its hard. It Hurts. I cry like every time I go out (usually around the 3k mark) but I shut my 13 year old self who detests P.E in a cupboard and I carry on. And then I get a buzz and feel pumped for the rest of the day.

Who'd have thought, me, running, without something chasing me.

If I can do it, so can you!

The tale of the Baldest Shoes In Britain, and Bbq's and Tutus and Stuff. :)

Evening one and all. I hope this blog finds you all well.

I've been up to a fair bit. Firstly, last week I went for a 5k training sesh and noticed as I power walked / small bursts of jogged my way around my little secluded patch of canal I favor for these training sessions (don't worry, I'm never alone) that I was slipping around it a little bit. When I came home I checked my work out/running trainers, and well..this;

Balder than a very bald man on the baldest day of his bald little life. So I decided I really did need to invest in a new pair if I wanted to carry on power walking / jogging without you know, breaking my neck. Which frankly, seeing as every day I do a little jogging burst I'm pretty sure I see the light of the end of the tunnel becoming my closer, I don't need another thing trying to kill me. So I took myself off to JD sports on a very quiet day to purchase some. I chose a quiet midweek midday as to be honest the more people i'm around the more likely I am to have a panic attack, and also because, as an extremely fat girl, I always feel like I shouldn't be allowed in JD. Like I walk in, and I feel like everyone is staring at me and thinking to themselves how I shouldn't be there because a) their clothes won't fit me, and b) I won't be using their sports attire for it's true intended purpose. Even though I totally am. I dunno, am the only one that feels this way? That and let's be honest, JD attracts 'Chavs' like honey does flies, and as I have piercings and dress somewhat alternatively, as does my W who on this particular day was wearing a Cradle of Filth hoodie we tend to draw the wrong kind of attention. We didn't, thank god. Anyway, I went in and bought this little beauties, on sale too; 

Aren't they gorgeous? I couldn't wait to break them in and head out to see if I could beat my time. It was on the friday I went out, and unfortunately I have hay fever. I also have asthma. And the two combined kicked my ass, I called the session off before I even got to my usual little strip. So todays Sunday, and I still haven't been out and done a 5k. I intended on heading out today but then chickened out as I thought there might be kids about and I'd rather not go and struggle to put one foot in front of the other in front of shitty mocking kids. I'm sorry, but I absolutely hate them, and at 26 I can say with hand on heart that at 15 I wouldn't have dared mouth off to adults as kids do now. Shocking. But the other reason I didn't go out was that yesterday the sun was shining, and well one thing you simply have to do on a hot sunny day is; 

Especially when you only bought the bbq the week before and it was just itching to be lit :) It was nice too, But I probably ate too much and drank too much. Back being good today though. And I'll certainly head out this week and hammer out 2 more 5k's. The really good news is that on the 5k I did last monday, baring in mind that I didn't do a 5k for like a week and a half before that one, I broke my time!! I did it in 1 hour 4 minutes and 54 seconds. Which is a full 7 minutes and 6 seconds quicker than my first ever 5k. And it burned me up - I'm warning you now the picture uploaded next may scare small children as in it I am wearing no make up, not even liquid eye liner which is my one make up item I can't cope without. I'm also post quickest 5k to date, and look shockingly like a tomato. Proving that I take the saying 'Ladies Don't Sweat they Go Red' to a whole new extreme.

Brace Yourselves. You have been warned.

Oooooossshhh el caliente!!

But as much as it killed me, I got a real buzz of afterwards. Even though, at times, I was jogging - and my fella was walking next to me!! :-\ 

But you know what? I read a blog this week  (today actually) that anyone reading this blog should check out, I read it and laughed out loud to some parts of it.thefatgirlsguidetorunning.com - That's it. And it was amazing just how she hits the nail on the head regarding excuses we fatties make up not to exercise, in particular run. 

I find number one to be particularly poignant;

1. People will laugh at me

It's the sad truth that people will laugh at you, and they already do. It's one of the many thing that makes me actually despise people. They have no idea that their 30 seconds of amusement on your behalf could be what contributed to you getting this way to begin with. I know every hurtful comment I got growing up, and still get now, makes me just want to go home and hide under my duvet for days. To wallow in Self Pity, but the truth is - I can't keep doing that. And I won't. I hate people, and if they want to laugh at me, then I'll let them - because normally i'm the one doing laps of certain areas, granted whilst gasping for breath and swearing profusely) whilst they stand there and don't move, and talk to their friends for the full hour I'm there. Fuck 'Em, as my W would say :)

It's also from reading the above blog entry earlier today that, whilst keeping time of my 5k's a positive thing, I shouldn't get bogged down in my fear of coming dead last at the Race For Life in July. If I do, I do. But i've still done it. And hopefully it'll be the first of many. :)

That pretty much wraps me up for tonight, apart from one more thing - My tutu came for the Race For Life - I'm gonna look bitchin' - and because any girl, no mater how old or how fat,deserves to feel like a fairy every once in a while :) .

Peace Out. x x x

Birthday Binges and Reality Bites.

Firstly, yes I know. It's been a little while since I blogged. But I have an awesome excuse in all fairness;
For part of it it was because I was out hammering out 5k training sessions, I even managed to shave off 6 minutes from my original time. Which is good, seeing as the same day I did this, when I got home there was an envelope lying on my doormat which contained this;

ARGGGGHHHHH!! Words can not explain how badly this terrified me. Suddenly it felt real. Like really really real. In a  few weeks time I will be walking/running (part of it) in front of at least 953 other people! What the hell have I got myself in to? So I thought the best plan to ease my nerves was so to sit and fill out my back sign. And remind me why I have put myself forward for this doing particular run, after only deciding that I wanted to run the day before. This is what I came up with;

And you know what it worked! Cancer is, for lack of better words an absolute C**T! And if I, a massively overweight, ridiculously unfit novice can stand up in this battle and say "F**k You Cancer!", we're not standing for any of your Bull any more. You have hurt too many of our friends and loved ones for us to ignore it, then honestly anyone can. Seriously, If I can do this. You can too!!! And that goes for Race for Life, it also goes for getting fit and making a stand. No matter how hard it is, trust me, you'll feel a helluva lot better once you take the first step on your Journey.
I also got to thinking about things that I need to focus on in order to push past that wall of a barrier I reach (usually around 3.5k) and It's my Mum. Truth is, I've always been close to my Mum, and when she was diagnosed with cancer it was actually a relief because we finally knew what was wrong with her. But even now, 2 years on, she isn't in Remission as the type of cancer she has hides and basically she has to go longer being c-free before she's in remission. And that makes me angry. And that is what I am going to focus on when I'm struggling. How hard people everywhere are fighting and struggling to over come, and I owe it to them to push forward, and earn as much sponsorship money as possible, as every little helps (click the link, thanks -----------> ) I watched my mum go from being a bubble person, to essentially a skeleton who, even 2 years on, requires a wheelchair. And if I can help stop even one family from going through this then I feel I have helped a whole heap. :) :)

I also had to re-do my challenge chart this week as 1) it was getting too easy and 2) I wanted to gear it more towards running,So I did. 

Notice the distinct lack of stars on that atm, thats because it's starting today. And later I'm gonna watch a episode of season 2 of Bates Motel whilst I exercise and do Zombie Run on the spot :) Btw, my fridge is starting to look rather packed with all of these inspirational quotes and challanges I keep setting myself.

But it works. So that make's me happy. :) :)

I'm currently composing a running track list to put on my Ipod. Something that I'm realising is harder done than said. As just because I love a song it doesn't necessarily make it a good song to motivate me to run, longer and further. My current list is full to the brim of a wide variety of music, from Korn to Pink to Imagine Dragons (I'm hooked on the latter right now, and the set up of the songs make for excellent running music - I urge to youtube them if you haven't heard of them, Current fave's are Radioactive and Demons) I even bought myself some snazzy new water resistant headphones designed to clip onto your ears when your run with some of the money I got for my Birthday,

WAIT.

What did I just say? Ahhh yes, my diet and training to pot this week as I celebrated turning 27 on Friday :) 

One birthday in a week is bad enough to stay on track,  but when It was my dear W's on nWednesday too. It was, honestly a disaster, culminating on friday evening when  plenty of drinkie-poo's and, well, this happened; 

I know I KNOW. So so SO bad, but it was a double birthday celebration, and Now i'm back to being a little saint. In fact, i'm going to have to end this post for the simple reason my sausage casserole that has been simmering away in the slow cooker all afternoon is done. Nom.

So on that note, 

Peace out peeps x x x

What the Hell have I got myself into this time?

Evening One and All.

This is an exciting blog for me, not least because it's Wednesday which is Graze Box day.

I have two because, well to be honest - I stole my other half's bank details and email address so I could set up a new account and get a free box. Yes I kow, Naughty Mel.But with them being so yummy and all, who can blame me?

But also because I have exciting news to share. I was very very stupid yesterday, or brave, dependent on how you look at it. And I only went and signed up for the RACE FOR LIFE!!

As some of you know, my Mum was touch and go for a while, and we eventually discovered it was None Hodgkins Lymphoma - so Cancer Research is something very dear to my heart indeed. It''s for an awesome cause really - I'll be putting a link to my Just Giving page on this side of the screen shortly --------> If you have anything spare I would love it if you could donate something. I know it's cheeky to ask really, but at the size I am even this little 5k is going to kill me off.

I went out last night and walked 5k to get a grasp of how long it would take me, it took me 1 hour 12 minutes. That is shocking! And in the next 10 week's I need to shave time off that dramatically. On the plus side, I know I can walk 5k and I have a starting time. I have put this on my fridge. 

On it has my starting time as well as 10 weeks to go, 9 weeks to go etc and a space for me to put my time  on it so hopefully I'll be shaving time off it in the next few weeks. I would be lying if I said I was confident. I'd also be lying if I said I intend to run it. I want to run SOME of it. Honestly, i'd be thrilled if I could run just 1k of it, I intend to start doing Zombie Run now in the house (on the spot - I'm too poor to own a treadmill - I considered buying a manual powered one but the thought of spending £90 on something I basically power myself sent me a lil queasy) and head out to do a 5k a couple of times a week. I think I would have done better last night but just as I got up to the so called quiet area I felt comfortable to practise in a couple came out walking their dog and then they bumped into someone they knew and proceeded to talk for a full hour while I walked 5k! I shouldn't feel embarrassed by taking the first step, I know that, especially not when I literally did about 500% more physical activity last night than the skinny people did who were watching me, but I do. And it saddens me that it does. But regardless, I am going to do this 5k! And even if I'm last I'm going to finish! My Mr is coming to cheer me on and I'm pretty sure I have pink tutu somewhere (bought as fancy dress, not just because I love the feel of a tutu, mmmm scratchy fabric). So dear readers, I may need some moral support in the next few weeks.

One question I do have, is why the EFF were my arms aching so much last night, seriously they were hurting more than my legs?! I must walk like a toy soldier or something - ugh.

Anyway, Thats about it. I'm off to chow down on part of my Graze Box. Sticky Toffee Pudding. Mmmmm - I've tried it all together like your supposed to, and it really does taste like chocolate pudding (fyi, the chocolate in Graze Boxes are amazing)

Green raisins, who knew they existed???

peace out.

xx

Never Underestimate the amount of Empowerment You'll get from setting a Goal.

And by 'Goal', what I mean is a goal that you can achieve. And by that I mean a goal you can achieve on your own, and that you have control over.

See? The major trouble of weight loss is that, whilst I have control over what goes in my mouth and thus (in theory) the results on the scale, In reality I don't. Which is to say, I can eat crappy and still lose weight, or as things seem to be going of recent, I can eat well and still gain. I am currently on a cocktail of anti depressions, anti anxiety and anti insomnia medication - 2 of these pills state weight gain under the side effects section. Cracking. So I've set myself a goal. A none weight loss goal. A getting healthy and active goal. And you'll never guess what it is!

I want to Run. I.Just. Want. To. Run.

I don't even know why as such, but there's something so simple and pure about listening to music and putting one foot in front of the other and going for a run. I even mentioned it to my doctor when I went for my depression/anxiety/insomnia/general insanity check up on Thursday. I love my Dr to pieces. She is just so lovely and supportive about everything and agrees that, despite my size, it's not an impossibility. She's even wrote it down on my medical records, under obesity, 'wants to run'.

So then the question was how far. God knows the thought of shifting this body of mine anywhere seems like an impossibility at the moment. But I'm determined. I explained to her that at the moment, I'm running on the spot in the safety of my own home and as she said every little helps. We talked and talked, and I've decided that a 5k isn't completely beyond the reach of realistic expectations. I just went away from this page and googled it. 5k is just 3 miles 188.07 yards. I can walk that without issues. So why can't I run it? Given time and preparations? Exactly! There is absolutely no reason why I can't.

So my goal at the moment is to run a 5k. Run. I get cold sweats just thinking about it. I've downloaded an app on my phone (in truth I've had it since last year, I just never really progressed further than the first few sessions) It's called Zombie 5k and it's purpose is to train you up from sitting on your tushies watching television to running a 5k over a period of (I think) 6 weeks. So that's the plan. Starting in the next few weeks, to do that. I just have to be careful - I tend to get over ambitious and try to run before I can walk (Ba Dum Bum Che)

After I've completed my 5k enough times that I don't need a defibrillator unit waiting for me at the end / actually see the white light at the end of the tunnel I would absolutely love to participate in this; http://www.thecolorrun.co.uk/manchester I stole this from the website;

"The Color Run™, also known as the Happiest 5k on the Planet, is a unique color race that celebrates healthiness, happiness, individuality, and giving back to the community. Less about your 10-minute-mile and more about having the time of your life, The Color Run is a five-kilometre, un-timed race in which thousands of participants are doused from head to toe in different colors at each kilometre. The fun continues at the finish line with a gigantic “Color Festival,” using more colored powder to create happiness and lasting memories, not to mention millions of vivid color combinations. Trust us, this is the best post-5k party on the planet! With only two rules, the idea is easy to follow:

1. Wear white at the starting line
2. Finish plastered in color

Now the single largest event series on the planet, The Color Run is exploding since our debut event in January of 2012 and will grow from over 50 events and 600,000 participants in 2012, to over 100 events and over a million participants in 2013.

Be Healthy. Be Happy. Be You."

I mean PLEASE. How effing fun does that sound??

Truthfully If I had a made this Goal earlier I would have already registered for this years event, So instead my goal is to Run it next year. Yes run it. I did the Race for Life a few years back, but I walked it. I want to be able to run this one! It's definitely on my Bucket List that's for sure.:) :) :)

So this morning when I woke up and it was a lovely lovely day. 

And, after a fair bit of moping around and eating enough that even Pac-Man would be proud of me (Thank you very much totm ) I thought enough was enough, and I decided to go for a walk to the outdoor gym close to my home. It was installed a few week back but apparently the children (and parents for that matter) aren't the brightest around my neck of the woods as they seem to think It's a park, and enjoy using the Cross Trainer as a swing, so I haven't had a chance to use it yet.

Oh yes, doen't that look super fun to play on?!? (sarcasm). 

Another reason I haven't used it yet is because I am so paranoid about people staring/laughing at me. Explaining this to my dear W is somewhat like explaining quantum mechanics to a toddler, whether that's because he has a very strong 'Fuck Em' attitude when it comes to people he doesn't know judging him or because he's a skinny minny I don't think I'll ever know. 

Anyway, nice weather and all, I thought I'd wonder up here and have a dabble (hoping there would be no kids near by - there wasn't) and it was good and all but even better is what happened en route there. And on the way back. I shit you not.

I.

Ran.

Now Now don' get too excited I didn't run there and back, or even all the way there. But I ran a bit. And I ran further than I did last time. Granted it was a very stop and start affair, but this time last year I smoked a lot and that was also the last time I ran and I could run probably double what I could run this time last year. Still not far, but Baby Steps are Baby Steps :)

I have no words for how happy I was. I still have a long way to go, but I have started the journey and that is what counts to me. I grant you, there was a moment of panic before I actually started to run in the sense that I genuinely forgot how to run. How does that even happen? How does someone forget how to put one foot in front of the other in a repetitive fashion so that they are moving? Either way I did. And it;s fare to say that I would have been killed by the pouncing lion / serial killer / hoard of zombies before I'd even remembered how to do the walk, skip, jog movement I seem to do every time I start jogging.

So ummm, yeah that's me. I know this a long post but I think I was really excited about my achievement / setting of a goal. lol.

Oh Oh Oh - before I go. This is what I was thinking about as I ran, I urge to read it. Maybe all of us bigger people out there should read it and not be so ashamed about taking the first step. Every journey has to start somewhere doesnt it?

http://www.closeronline.co.uk/2014/03/to-the-fatty-running-on-the-track-this-afternoon-facebook-user-pens-surprising-message-to-overweight-runner

Peace out peeps x x x x 

N;B; I have no idea why this post has changed colour half way through, but it won't let me change it back without rewriting the entire thing, so yeah... sorry and all but I just don't have the energy for that. Sorry. :)