Monday, 14 July 2014

My Race For Life Experience....


As the title of the post suggests, yesterday I participated in the Race for Life - a cause that is extremely dear to my heart. As my training went to the way side due to various summer colds, hay fever and if i'm honest a lack of get up an go. Because of this I ended up walking it. I managed to do it in 1 hour 9 minutes and 33 seconds. Which, considering that we had blazing heat, then rain, then gusting wind, then blazing heart, then rain, then gusting wind over and over and over again I'm happy with. That and according to my Map My Walk app it was 5.10k  NOT 5 k - that extra .10 of a k absolutely made all the difference. Today I am paying for it, i'm incredibly sore, my poor achilles of my bad (arthritic, once snapped) leg is really sore and even my shoulder blades ache. At 2.5k my bad leg threw a bit of a paddy and started to refuse to co-operate with me so for the last 2.5k I'm pretty sure my left leg was doing all the work. For that last k I was staring at my trainers, counting out 100 steps then looking up, then back to the floor - because if I carried on looking upward then the finish line just wasn't coming any closer!! I'd say it was about 1 hour of hell (the first 9 minutes were fine ;) )

But despite all this, all the pain, all the voices in my head telling me to stop, despite my leg throwing a stop I just carried on, putting one foot in front of the other foot. And I finished. And something else, I didn't come last. And something else? Despite it being somewhat slower than I hoped, I did it all without stopping, not even pausing for a second. I did it. I DID IT!!!! I'm even fully intending on doing it again next year. And the year after that. And the year after that. I will do this until there's a cure. I'm also intending to do the Colour Run next year as well - It's fair to say i've caught the bug. It hurt like hell, but as I crossed that finish line a massive smile spread across my face that I couldn't control. And i'm extremely proud of my medal. By this time next year I'll (hopefully) be slimmer and fitter and smash my time from this year.

What was particularly lovely was that my Mr stood there, at the finish line, and cheered me on. And the first thing he said was 'You did amazing, I'm so proud of you!' :) He also took loads of photos.

I actually hate this photograph. But for the sake of showing of my Tutu i've put it up on here. :)

They set off tinsel canons. I played with it. lol
T'awwwwwww lol
I do wish he wouldn't take photos of me from behind - this is the reason I'm glad I can't see my bottom.This was about 3.2k in
Mr W even bought me a flower to give me once i'd crossed the finish line.
Off there in the distance is my crossing the finish line. Notice the time, that's because I only crossed the start line 3 minutes in. lol.
This is my 'I DID IT!!!' photo. Complete with my medal and my flower from my dear Mr W. I know i'm not smiling, that's because I hate myself when I smile in photos. Over the years I've perfected the one raised eyebrow, smirking photo pose. I have very few photo's of me doing anything else bit this. lol
See, I'm smiling in this one. I've also collapsed onto the grass. The thumbs up was to prove to my mister that I was still alive, and hadn't actually full on collapsed.

I clumped these all together. The top 1 is me pinning by back sign to the why you ran sign, and then there's a photo of my sign amongst the others. And then just a pic showing more of them. The bottom 2 photo's are me, holding up the sign that Mr W was cheering me on with. 

I must admit I'm super proud of myself. I did have a few anxiety attacks before. One before I left the house and one in Dad's car on the way, I'm just thankful I didn't have any at the venue, or even worse, during that would have prevented me from participating. I did it, that's all that matters to me. And if I can do it, lugging around 27 stone in weight, anyone can. Never doubt yourself, even if your the slowest one there your still doing amazing, and it's all for an epic cause. 

Peace Out x

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

Mirtazapine Munchies


I seem to be suffering pretty badly from the above munchies today. Unfortunately weight gain is a side effect of the medication I'm prescribed to keep me in a state of mind considered normal, as well as other trivial things like going outside, getting out of bed and sleeping. Unfortunately last year I hit a bad patch.

Some of you may remember that i'd just come out of a particularly stressful time of my life when my Mum, who had been sick for months and losing weight at an alarming pace and was in hospital for almost a year - in and out of intensive care, was diagnosed with Cancer. None Hodgkins Lymphoma if we're going to get all technical about it. And during her time in hospital, before she even started on the chemo she contracted Pneumonia and was put on the now defunct Pathway programme (And i'm glad it's defunct, it was the most painful thing i've ever seen. Watching my Mum in a morphine induced semi coma be taken off all nutrients and to be allowed to, essentially, starve to death). During that time I was still working, I was eventually forced to take a month off to sit beside my Mums bed during the above Pathway time but before that I was still working. And balancing as much house work I could manage and balancing the books by paying rent etc for my Dad, who honestly didn't have a clue how to work out what money was coming in and out as Mum had always taken control of that. At the time I also got it into my head that I wasn't allowed to show weakness. Dad was struggling, so was my Brother and I was damned if they were gonna worry about me, the youngest, as well. I remember going into work on a day off and my (then) assistant manager commenting on how calm I was being, and how I was taking the fact that my mum probably wasn't going to make it in my stride. I remember shrugging that off, but when I think about the comment today I think about how cold hearted I must have seen to the rest of the world. My mum came through it, and a few months later I had a full on break down. I remember just lying in my bed in the dark one minute, and the next minute all the feelings and worries and anger that I has buried deep down emerged and I just couldn't stop crying. My boyfriend then, who hadn't been with me too long said he was expecting it. I've always been like that, kept things bottled up until they explode out of me in a torrent of tears and (usually) profanities.

This cycle repeated itself when I started struggling with work. Sleeping has never been my strongest asset, and by the time I eventually went to the Dr's I hadn't been sleeping for more than 3 hours a night for coming up to a year. This meant that when I went into work I was essentially a walking talking Zombie and being in a customer service based job did not make that any easier. It's really hard to be chipper when you feel like your dead. I didn't say anything to anyone about how much I was struggling to get out of bed every morning, and how often I just wanted to sit down in the middle of work and cry. Unfortunately, and stupidly of me, I felt weak and embarrassed by the fact that my mental health was deteriorating. I was put on Zopiclone and Sertraline tablets at the time, but the sertraline just exasperated my anxiety attacks and I became somewhat agoraphobic. Now I'm on Mirtazapine.

I can't say Mirtazapine made me fat. I was fat before I started taking them (If i'm honest I cant actually remember being thin) but they certainly contributed to me putting 2 stone on in a year, and made getting that 2 stone (and the 10 more I need to lose) off more difficult. It generally slows down weight loss, but it also makes you want to go all Pac Man on the kitchen cupboards and eat anything that isn't nailed down. Today I'm feeling it's effect particularly bad but i'm counteracting it by water and propointed up bowls of fruit and fibre. It just makes dieting seem even more like an uphill struggle sometimes. But at the same time Mirtazapine works for me, in the sense that it helps me sleep a lot more, and I do seem to more stable now as oppose to feeling up one minute and down the next. I just want to be a skinny minny who takes Mirtazapine in an ideal universe.

One other thing, and on a much brighter note (I simply must stop these deep, down, depressing blog posts, and I'm sorry for yet another) I have currently discovered one way to take away such naughty,nasty mirtazzy munchies is this wonderful bar of goodness.
(sorry it's a wrapper - I didn't have the good sense to snap a picture before I rammed it down my throat hole)

It's the Co-Op's own, 85% Cocoa Ghanaian Dark Chocolate - It's 6 pp a bar, but as it's dark and 85% it is far more satisfying than a bar of Dairy Milk or what ever. Once I've eaten it my Hunger Monkey is satisfied for a while, rather than me eating it and looking around for something else to eat as that so often happens with milk chocolate.

As always, thanks for listening and

Peace Out 
x x

Monday, 7 July 2014



I have a new sparkly, spangled beautiful and, most importantly, fully functioning monitor. Before my new one came I snapped a few piccies to put on here as a way of explaining why I havent posted much. Here they are; 

 This photo here ^ was taken with the flash on. It's on, it's just that the monitor decided to turn the brightness down to 0 and refused to turn back up again.

 This would randomly flash constantly on and off, the little red square moving freely to change settings as and when it pleased, from changing to brightness settings, to screen postion - so the screen moved in and out all the time, kinda hard to explain - I also had the great pleasure of seeing this box in Chinese and Spanish on regular occurrences.

This is the screen with the flash off. Brightness turned down to 0 and that stupid fucking blue box flashing constantly. In hindsight I wish i'd also taken a photo when the brightness was set to 0 and the contrasy said to 100 with no hope of changing it back. It made for some impossible computer tasks and some epic headaches.

But it's all good - Now I have a new one, which is marginally smaller but also works, so swings and round about really isnt it? :) It also meant that I finally got to do what i've been saying i'd do to my old monitor as soon as I got a new one. For months i've been saying it, and I finally got a chance to do it. I took a hammer to the Rat Bastard. And it felt goooooodddd!!

Some may say I have anger issues, but I say it was asking for it, and what's more? I made my new Monitor watch as a form of warning :)

Now i've explained myself about that I can actually start my blog post.

Recently I've been thinking a lot about something I saw on facebook the other week. Long story short a girl I used to go to to school with is on there (though why i'm not entirely sure as I never actually liked the girl when I was 16, now I know about who I am and I really can't stand her) is currently on Slim Fast and has lost 11lb taking her to 8 stone 10lb, and she put a before and after picture up the other day and accompanied it with a status saying " It's Embarrassing to say I was Once a fattie, but hey ho - at least i'm not now" . At the time I just carried on scrolling but it's kept popping back into my head over the past few days and the more I think about it the more angry I get about it. She was embarrassed to be under 10 stone, and I have to lose more than 2 of what she weighs now and i'll still be heavier than she is now. But dont get me wrong, im not sitting here having a one person pity party about how much I need to lose, I'm angry that she was embarrassed to have curves, and she has a daughter. So all i'm thinking is that kid is going to grow up thinking if your over 10 stone your instantly a fattie. It's pathetic. What is there to be embarrassed about? For a start she carried a child in that belly, I don't know. It just kinda sticks in my throat, right down to describing herself as a fattie. In all fairness this is the same girl who put a status up a while back saying when she see's a fat person eating fatty junk food she want't to go over and slap it out of their hands, all whilst deeming it perfectly acceptable to feed a toddler that very same McDonalds. What the hell is wrong people? I'm a fattie and I know it. And I also know that even during my best diet weeks I treat myself to the occasional bar of chocolate or bag of chips because honestly, sometimes you need it.I account for it, I work around it, but I eat it and I bloody well enjoy it whilst I am. Possibly because I plan it out and work around it so it tastes even better. Hell, even on my dodgy weeks I probably eat better than some people half my size, because at the end of the day I know that I can't just eat an entire tub of Ben and Jerry's and not pay for it . Being inside my head some times it's like I have split personality disorder where one side of me is constantly jumping up and down and shouting EAT IT! EAT IT! EAT IT! and the other part of mine is to quiet the childish side down with an apple. Truth is, unless you've ever had a weight issue you won't know just how tempting some foods can be. In a similar respect I read on someones blog recently, I linked her in my last blog post and I'm going to link her again now..., that she doesn't think a dietician that has never lost weight can help you much. And i'm inclined to agree. If you've never experienced the thought processes that go behind gaining weight you are really in no place to lecture me on how to lose weight. You have no idea what inner turmoil goes through my mind when I'm standing in the chocolate aisle in Tesco. All the qualifications in the world mean nothing if you don't have first hand experience. It's like someone saying they can fly a plane because they've read a book or two about it. Which is possibly why, when I saw a dietician at the age of 20, I had no respect for her as she didn't understand. This past year and a bit has been particularly bad for me diet wise, specifically due to my depression and anxiety that I'm currently going through. I am on medication that makes you gain weight (Mirtazapine) which doesn't help. And Comfort food has always been my crutch so when I'm feeling down and low nothing makes me feel happier than climbing into bed, hiding under my quilt with either a good book or a good film (anything to practise escapism really) and a mound of crisps, chocolate and sweets. To this day that's possibly the thing I struggle with the most. Not just pigging out because i've had a good day. Food makes me feel good, and it's just a case of relearning (I lost about 5 stone in my early 20's, then found it, and more again) which foods give me that feel good comfort food feeling whilst still remaining healthy for me. That being said, tonight I tried out a new recipe using these ingredients;

Now I'm not gonna lie to you, Diet Coke Chicken was something I was extremely unsure of trying. And even when I started making it, mixing Diet Coke with Passata some Lea n Perrins sauce and some salt just seemed so incredibly wrong to me. Even the pouring action felt wrong, and I nearly balled at the stage. But I persevered with it and I have to say it was absolutely lovely.

I had it in 2 multiseeded wraps, with 30g grated cheese on top and it was truly lovely, and tasted so naughty and comforting, it made my tummy smile. And it was really worth the 20pp it all came to (including oven baked onion rings)

So. There you have it. That all got a little serious in the middle didn't it? Sorry for that. Hope to see you again soon - as always

Peace Out x

Thursday, 3 July 2014

I hate technology

Ok so I haven't been around much, mainly due to the fact that my computer monitor bit the big one and now it's virtually impossible to spend any time on the computer as it constantly changes the brightness and contrast settings - seriously, doing anything on a computer that it stuck on a setting of contrast 100 and constantly has a blue box flashing to inform you thusly is pretty much mission impossible, particularly if your prone to migraines like I am. Yay. I have ordered a new monitor, so once it's been delivered and setting up blogging shall continue as usual. Think of me as the Network Rail of the blogging world, services have been disrupted due to maintenance issues... Actually, don't think of me as that. I still want people to like me. At the minute this blog is brought to you by sneaking onto my Sister In Laws (14 years old) laptop that I have other night as I was fixing it, because this is not my laptop this post will be A) Devoid of images, which sucks as I like breaking up my text blocks but I can't really do it the same on someone elses computer in good conscience, and B) Brought to you by Google Chrome Incognito Mode, which stops pages you've been on from showing in search history - so yeah, it's basically a Porn Friendly feature. I'm doing this as, despite how long i've been blogging, there are very few people who know I blog. And those that do don't know my wed address. And id like to keep it that way as it means I get the chance to be completely candid in my posts with little fear of consequences.

Anyway, next Sunday is my Race For Life. And I am absolutely fucking bricking it. Training fell desperately to the way side due to hayfever and various colds, and bouts of sinusitus. As it is, i've already come to terms with the fact that I'll be walking it rather than walking/jogging stints thanks to my hayfever being epicly bad this year, I'm on antihistamines for the first time since I was a teen (many moons ago).

Diet wise I'm ok. This week I gained 1 lb. But i'm actually happy with that as I was pretty sick this week and plenty of comfort food orientated meals were bad, if I hadn't got back on the plan on Tuesday to practice damage limitation it could have been so much worse. But onwards and downwards. This week i'm gonna try and make Diet Coke Chicken - I've never made it before, but i've heard many many good things and i've even conviced my Mr to give it a go. Despite his face when I told him I wanted to eat chicken cooked in Diet Coke for a meal this week. God I hope it turns out nice, I'll never hear the last of it if it's not yummy.

So yeah, that's pretty much it this evening. I promise to post a better blog once I get my new monitor all sorted out. But before I go, please check out this blog. She has done so well so far, and is still doing amazing. I've been reading a fair few of her posts on this here laptop (in incognito mode, naughty naughty) and fully intend on catching up on her blog more when I have more freedom to access the internet once my stupid monitor has been delivered. I'm finding her a real inspiration right now.

Thanks, and as always,

Peace Out x x