Never Underestimate the amount of Empowerment You'll get from setting a Goal.

And by 'Goal', what I mean is a goal that you can achieve. And by that I mean a goal you can achieve on your own, and that you have control over.

See? The major trouble of weight loss is that, whilst I have control over what goes in my mouth and thus (in theory) the results on the scale, In reality I don't. Which is to say, I can eat crappy and still lose weight, or as things seem to be going of recent, I can eat well and still gain. I am currently on a cocktail of anti depressions, anti anxiety and anti insomnia medication - 2 of these pills state weight gain under the side effects section. Cracking. So I've set myself a goal. A none weight loss goal. A getting healthy and active goal. And you'll never guess what it is!

I want to Run. I.Just. Want. To. Run.

I don't even know why as such, but there's something so simple and pure about listening to music and putting one foot in front of the other and going for a run. I even mentioned it to my doctor when I went for my depression/anxiety/insomnia/general insanity check up on Thursday. I love my Dr to pieces. She is just so lovely and supportive about everything and agrees that, despite my size, it's not an impossibility. She's even wrote it down on my medical records, under obesity, 'wants to run'.

So then the question was how far. God knows the thought of shifting this body of mine anywhere seems like an impossibility at the moment. But I'm determined. I explained to her that at the moment, I'm running on the spot in the safety of my own home and as she said every little helps. We talked and talked, and I've decided that a 5k isn't completely beyond the reach of realistic expectations. I just went away from this page and googled it. 5k is just 3 miles 188.07 yards. I can walk that without issues. So why can't I run it? Given time and preparations? Exactly! There is absolutely no reason why I can't.

So my goal at the moment is to run a 5k. Run. I get cold sweats just thinking about it. I've downloaded an app on my phone (in truth I've had it since last year, I just never really progressed further than the first few sessions) It's called Zombie 5k and it's purpose is to train you up from sitting on your tushies watching television to running a 5k over a period of (I think) 6 weeks. So that's the plan. Starting in the next few weeks, to do that. I just have to be careful - I tend to get over ambitious and try to run before I can walk (Ba Dum Bum Che)

After I've completed my 5k enough times that I don't need a defibrillator unit waiting for me at the end / actually see the white light at the end of the tunnel I would absolutely love to participate in this; http://www.thecolorrun.co.uk/manchester I stole this from the website;

"The Color Run™, also known as the Happiest 5k on the Planet, is a unique color race that celebrates healthiness, happiness, individuality, and giving back to the community. Less about your 10-minute-mile and more about having the time of your life, The Color Run is a five-kilometre, un-timed race in which thousands of participants are doused from head to toe in different colors at each kilometre. The fun continues at the finish line with a gigantic “Color Festival,” using more colored powder to create happiness and lasting memories, not to mention millions of vivid color combinations. Trust us, this is the best post-5k party on the planet! With only two rules, the idea is easy to follow:

1. Wear white at the starting line
2. Finish plastered in color

Now the single largest event series on the planet, The Color Run is exploding since our debut event in January of 2012 and will grow from over 50 events and 600,000 participants in 2012, to over 100 events and over a million participants in 2013.

Be Healthy. Be Happy. Be You."

I mean PLEASE. How effing fun does that sound??

Truthfully If I had a made this Goal earlier I would have already registered for this years event, So instead my goal is to Run it next year. Yes run it. I did the Race for Life a few years back, but I walked it. I want to be able to run this one! It's definitely on my Bucket List that's for sure.:) :) :)

So this morning when I woke up and it was a lovely lovely day. 

And, after a fair bit of moping around and eating enough that even Pac-Man would be proud of me (Thank you very much totm ) I thought enough was enough, and I decided to go for a walk to the outdoor gym close to my home. It was installed a few week back but apparently the children (and parents for that matter) aren't the brightest around my neck of the woods as they seem to think It's a park, and enjoy using the Cross Trainer as a swing, so I haven't had a chance to use it yet.

Oh yes, doen't that look super fun to play on?!? (sarcasm). 

Another reason I haven't used it yet is because I am so paranoid about people staring/laughing at me. Explaining this to my dear W is somewhat like explaining quantum mechanics to a toddler, whether that's because he has a very strong 'Fuck Em' attitude when it comes to people he doesn't know judging him or because he's a skinny minny I don't think I'll ever know. 

Anyway, nice weather and all, I thought I'd wonder up here and have a dabble (hoping there would be no kids near by - there wasn't) and it was good and all but even better is what happened en route there. And on the way back. I shit you not.

I.

Ran.

Now Now don' get too excited I didn't run there and back, or even all the way there. But I ran a bit. And I ran further than I did last time. Granted it was a very stop and start affair, but this time last year I smoked a lot and that was also the last time I ran and I could run probably double what I could run this time last year. Still not far, but Baby Steps are Baby Steps :)

I have no words for how happy I was. I still have a long way to go, but I have started the journey and that is what counts to me. I grant you, there was a moment of panic before I actually started to run in the sense that I genuinely forgot how to run. How does that even happen? How does someone forget how to put one foot in front of the other in a repetitive fashion so that they are moving? Either way I did. And it;s fare to say that I would have been killed by the pouncing lion / serial killer / hoard of zombies before I'd even remembered how to do the walk, skip, jog movement I seem to do every time I start jogging.

So ummm, yeah that's me. I know this a long post but I think I was really excited about my achievement / setting of a goal. lol.

Oh Oh Oh - before I go. This is what I was thinking about as I ran, I urge to read it. Maybe all of us bigger people out there should read it and not be so ashamed about taking the first step. Every journey has to start somewhere doesnt it?

http://www.closeronline.co.uk/2014/03/to-the-fatty-running-on-the-track-this-afternoon-facebook-user-pens-surprising-message-to-overweight-runner

Peace out peeps x x x x 

N;B; I have no idea why this post has changed colour half way through, but it won't let me change it back without rewriting the entire thing, so yeah... sorry and all but I just don't have the energy for that. Sorry. :) 

What a difference a week makes.

So, as you know I have my challenge list at the moment, and I'm finding it surprisingly motivational. There's something about putting star stickers on my chart that must speak to my inner child or something, I don't know - anyway - metallic star stickers make me happy.
Not only that, I'm noticing a distinct difference in what I can manage and it's only been a week. For example, last week when I tried wall push-ups I could only handle 20 without my muscles shaking and throbbing and me whimpering, yesterday I did 60. 60 all at once! Looks like I will definitely be upping that goal after my four week appraisal period as after 4 weeks I'm not exactly sure 100 will be a challenge. I just did my jogging on the spot challenge to one song. And I jogged for a full 1 minute and 30 seconds, and then only breaked for a 15 second marching session. I am so proud of myself, I felt good. And yes I know 1:30 is nothing. But it's all about baby steps. This week's song of choice was Serj Tankian - Empty Walls, and it felt good jogging to that. I don't know, maybe you'll like the song too - maybe you wont, but here's a link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CxKA1uETxE&feature=kp you should check it out :)

It is also, incidentally, an awesome video of epic proportions.

I also weighed in today, a day early as tomorrow I have a dr's appt at stupid o'clock so I'll be up and out for about 7:30am and I am not a morning person, so I will be getting up at 7:15 - yes I'm an up and out person. Anyway it was -2lbs which I'm thrilled with but it still means I've only lost 21lb as I gained weight when I was, for lack of a better word, dicking about. But the better news is I took my measurements, I do this every 5 weeks as I learned a long time a go that lbs lost is not the only way to monitor weight loss. So, since I started taking measurements in week 5 (today is week 15) I have lost 4.5 inches off my bust!! 2.5 inches off my waist!! and a whopping 5 inches off my hips!!! Which takes my inches lost up to 10inches! Now i know, that means nothing unless i quantify it, sooooo 

How freaking impressive is that?!? I'm well chuffed with myself. This is my happy face;

I know I know, it's not exactly a smile tastic photo. I'm not wearing hardly any make up and my air is scrawped back but, I promise you - I'm happy. lol

Tbh that is all I have to say, as always feel follow me on twitter, my name is at the top of the page on this side -----------> :)

Peace out peeps :)

It's a Rough month when Easter and Monthlies appear at the same time.....

Firstly, and foremost, Happy Easter to all my followers and people who stumble across this page (Or Happy Chocolate Egg for those fellow unrelgious people out there :) )

I would love to say I made it through. That I looked the Easter Bunny in his eyes and said 'No chocolate for me thanks, I'm dieting' but alas, I made it through to about 6 last night, and then went on and all out choco fest. Not even on eggs, as I didn't even buy them as I knew that Easter and my monthly 'Eat everything that isn't nailed down or moving too quickly' fest collided this year and, thinking damage limitation and all, I didn't buy any (something which is much easier to do as I don't have kiddiewinks). However, we did have cookies, and kitkats and fruit cake in the house. Notice the use of the word, DID. siiiigggghhhh. Ah well, back to being good today. I'm not expecting a loss this week due to the fore mentioned lady-ness, but that doesn't mean I have an excuse to not be good.

My sticker chart is still in good use, at the end of last week (so last night as my chart runs Monday to Monday) it looked like this;

As I'm aiming to do at least 50% of challenges a week I managed to do it and get a Gold star at the end of the week. I managed to;

• Drink 3 bottles of water at least 3 times a week (about 2 litres)
• Walk at least 6 recreational miles (not going to the shop because I needed to etc)
• Do a total of 100 squats
• Eat no more than 15 propoints for my supper at least 3 times a week.
• Do a total of 100 wall push ups
• Make my Graze box last by eating only one punnet a day,
• Jog/march on the spot for the duration of one song. (This weeks was predictably, Eye of The Tiger,lol)
• Eat no Crisps on any day but weigh in day.
• Walk to tesco to do my food shop  (2 miles, I am allowed to get a taxi back,lol)
• Do a total of 30 x Knee to hand touches.
• Reduce milky brews down to 2 cups a day at least twice a week.

I also did my Davina fit in 15 once, went up and down the stairs for 5 repetitions once, and 115 sit ups - I had a 85 deficit on those, so no star.

And today it starts allllllllllll over again. Woop Woop, lol. Once I'm doing the exercise I'm fine, it's my get up and go that lets me down - That and I'm just beyond hooked on Breaking Bad right now. I'm up to season 5 so not long left, then i'll be left with a black hole-esque void in my life I'm sure. 

Anyway -Time for me to close this post. I'll blog again soon. 

Be good ya'll.

peace out :)

Round is NOT a shape.

So yeah, I'm back again - truth is, I've packed my lovely W off into the bath so I can blog a little more - Just to tell you more about where I am and what I'm doing. Today I went on a wee walk with W and had a bit of heart to  heart with him, the trouble is, he's a skinny minny and so struggles to understand where I'm coming from.But I explained to him how desperate I am to get back on track and lose weight and that I need a wee push. Will Power has always been my downfall - more specifically, will power when it comes down to working out. I am an out and out food addict, and comfort eater to boot - but even that is a piece of cake (excuse the pun) when its compared to exercise. Thing with me is i actually love the feeling of achy muscles post-work out (don't ask) but it's the actual getting there that I full on loathe.  We recently got broadband at the flat, and so I'm catching up on things ive missed, namely biggest loser. And I swear I would give absolutely anything to have this sexy lady kick my ass.

                                                             

I mean, just look at her!!! She's not only stunning but I adore her attitude, yes I have a full on girl crush in Ms M... I digress, anyway W supports me as much as I can but at the same time he just doesn't understand when I can't do certain things - Like run. Last year we downloaded the ZombieRun 5k app, and I just couldn't keep up. I think one of the major reasons why I want to lose weight is for me, but also for him - there's so many things I'd like to do together but I can't because I'm either genuinely too overweight to participate or Im too self conscious to do so. So we've come up with a new plan. Today I spent ages writing down a challenge list to put on my fridge. The concept is simple yet amazing. I have 20 challenges a week to complete, and I have to do at least 50% a week of them. They range from exercise based (for example, 200 sit ups in a week, 100 squats, walk a total of 6 miles recreational walking - going somewhere I need to go is not classed) as well as food based (making sure I drink 2 litres of water a day). I'm gonna go out tomorrow and buy some stickers and add a sticker each time I achieve a goal. The challenge lasts 4 weeks and then I have to think of new goals,  the plan being them getting tougher and tougher as time goes on. One of them is exercise outside once a week. Which is gonna be tough as ive been suffering from panic attacks on an almost daily basis for the past year and a bit. But dammit am I determined? If you decide to join in that'd be awesome. Drop me a comment below and let me know. Today I have walked 3.27 miles, and done 50 sit ups, 30 wall push ups and 40 squats. And they kicked my arse! I cant wait to get back into some kinda shape again - Round is NOT a shape!!

Anyway, last week sucked regarding panic attacks. I really feel like I've been recovering from the flu for the past few days. But as the sun was shining I forced myself out for a walk so i didn't start suffering from cabin fever as well as panic attacks, it was a lovely 3.27 mile walk. I count myself very lucky that my little tiny flat is where it is. The thing is, it's close enough that's it's not in the back arse end of no where, literally 1 mile away from town. But also you can walk about a mile in the opposite direction and be walking down a lovely canal, or as today, go a mile in the other direction and be met with lots of lovely open country side.

I lived here last summer but tbh back then I was in a pretty heavy fog of depression, I'm still not fit for anything, but im hoping that by forcing myself out for walks etc etc I'll help myself along. I should add, I promise to not chat on and on about being depressed / having anxiety as I know from experience (mine) how dull it gets after a little while. 

I think that'll be about it for today. I promise to blog again this week. I really missed it :) I think I'm off to have my celery with red pepper houmous and soured cream and chive dip. All pointed.... is it sad I'm really looking forward to it? :) Om nom.

And just so you know, im still a blog selfie addict. :oP

That is a baaaaaddd photo. lol

Please feel free to follow me on twitter, and if you do say 'Hey' - Be nice to chat to someone else, not just me - as let's be honest that's what posting a blog is. :) It's @meltezzz - Be warned, I tweet like ALOT and normally it's photo of my meals. Or my Eyes.

peace out people x x

Ohhhhh no wait. I forgot. I have this stuck to my fridge now (I really have been a busy busy bee today with the old colouring pencils haven't i? lol ) I hope it inspires you, it inspired me when I read it earlier.

Honeys - I'm Home.

Ahhhhhh I know my babies. I disappeared for far too long, but I have returned, and I promise you this time it's for good. I don't know how many of my followers are still here, and that's a shame because I used to love reading your comments. But the truth is, It's my fault. I know I left, and then I came back and posted 2 whole blogs and then disappeared again. But I'm back - and i promise i wont leave again. Truth is - Life kinda got in the way (more on that later - for now I'm still grovelling for forgiveness) - and No that's not an excuse. Please know, I'm sorry. And I only hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me.  Please? I'll even flash you my puppy dog eyes :)

        Go on, how can you say no to that face?

Truth is, I wasn't lying when i said life got in the way. Do you remember my Mr I mentioned in my last post? Well, we pretty much were inseparable - so half the week I'd stay at his house and vice versa - which really didn't give me a great deal of computer time, let alone time to compose a blog (he didn't have a pc - i know right?) Between that and work everything just came to a grinding halt. I was stress eating from all the rubbish that went down with my mum and I had the relationship contentment weight gain. Not good at all. It's literally taking my 2 years of floundering on various calorie counting regimes etc to realise I was gaining weight, not losing it. 2 stone to be precise. Taking my weight up to to 28 st 8 and 3/4 lbs - I can tell you now that terrified me into taking actions and as of January this year im back on my ww wagon and I've lost 24 lbs to date. I'm also trying to exercise a whole heap more. But tbh, carrying this amount of excess weight around makes it virtually impossible. I'm also off sick atm with Anxiety and Depression leading to Panic Attacks which makes things just that bit tougher :( 

But regardless, I'm back and I mean business. I will post a longer blog another day. But at least I'm back.

Love and Hugs to you all. Peace Out.

PS;- My mums fine, and I live with said boyfriend now. In a village. We is posh now ;)

This is an actual photo of my Village. But not my house, that would be creepy.

Weigh in Week 1

SOOO.... it saturday, and as ive always weighed in on a saturday i opted to carry on this trend, soo i shall be weighing in on a saturday, or as close to a saturday as possible as i spend 2/3 of my week at my fellas - so, yeah, granted its gonna be a different day each week. Not the best i know, but im not taking my scales to my fellas - im trying to be very casual about my dieting with him, i dont know why - he'd support me to the end and back, but i embarrass easy :o/ anyways - my weigh in. Baring in mind, this is only since tuesday - ive lost a fabtastic 6.3lbs! yep, im pretty damn pleased with that if im honest :) specially considering i dont actually feel like im dieting. Not at all :) Its quite a good feeling tbh.

Today is saturday, annnnnddd as always saturdays are the day i dont track, im only human what can i say? Ive promised my fella a horror movie marathon, and we have looooaaaddddssss to watch :) and my bro gave me his old dvd player and surround sound system for my room soooo its gonna be bloody scary. We've got crisps, and popcorn and some choccie buttons, and take away for tea - i knooowwww its not healthy BUT this was pre planned before i got all goal orientated on tuesdaay morning, sooo *shrugs* what can a gal do?

I feel i owe ya'all a lil more info about my awesome fella, who at this minute is snoring his head off upstairs after playing Skyrim till 5am - i feel i should admit i only relented ownership of Skyrim at roughly 2am, yesss im a nerd, and im awesome, im better than an awesome im a Khajiit Assasssin! *tumble weed rolls on by.......*

...........................................................................................
...........................................................................................
...........................................................................................
...........................................................................................

annnnnyyyyyyyyywwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy - moving swiftly on from my coolness, My lovely W. He is unemployed, hense how we met, but not through lack of trying - he cant get a job as no one will give him experience and hows he meant to get that without a job? grrr - he goes on every course the job centre offer him and hes just applied to go back to college to study creative writing, he i writing a book - which is awesome - very Dark Tower (ish) - he also got me into the Dark Tower - ive been a life long Stephen King Nerd, but then i'd never read D.T till now, and its awesome, i highly recommend it - im up to book 6, W. got me the last 3 for christmas :) He encourages my 'art' - which i use in the loosest term, and has a few of my drawings and sketches up his room - heres one of em, its the dark tower, neeerrrrdddd :)

he also encourages my baking, his entirely family adore my cookies etc, and his lil bro (6) greets me often with 'Melly Moo - you gots my cookies?' lol, and his mum compares my stuff to orgasms...slightly odd that one i grant you. lol, hes part of the reason ive gained the confidence to go to college, i intend to study Level 2 in general confectionary and pattisserie. I want my own lil bakery - cake store - a girls gotta dream! :oP

errrmmmmmm - hes a year younger than me, his birthday is 2 days before mine and hes the youngest of 7 -yeah i know, for a gal whos the youngest of 2 walking into his house was, and still is somewhat overwhelming. lol.

But yeah, thats all i can think of - sooo - im gonna go and hammer a few more hours of Skyrim (go Khajiit Assassin, GO!!! ;o) ) before i wake sleeping beauty and start the horror movie marathon. :) Dont forget to add me on My Fitness Pal; caliente115 .

peace out

x x x x x x

The Wonderer Returns....

OK ok ok - so yes, its been almost a year since i last posted a blog on here, but truth is so much happened in that one year that i dont know where to start, its certainly been one helluva roller coaster. But im gonna start blogging again, at least once a week. Im fully aware ive probably lost the vast majority (if not all) of my original 'followers', and for that im truly sorry. But, in this blog post im gonna attempt to bring you all up to speed on whats what, if not maybe grasp the interest of some new followers :) This is gonna be full of ups and down though, i warn y'all.

So lets see, i think the best bet is to get the negatives over and done with. I genuinly cant remember if i posted on here about how poorly my mum was just before i started blogging, she was very very ill. Well things started to get worse (i'll add now, im not one for building for tension on this topic - shes NOT dead, i repeat - still alive and kicking :op) she started to lose weight faster and faster, and could hardly walk she was so weak. She kept going back to the GP and kept being diagnosed with various things, from swine flu, to an infection, to MRSA. Eventually she got told to pack in her job so she did, but things didnt improve. Soooo we called the dr out for a home visit in June, and she took bloods and went on her away ( which, may i add, she shouldnt have done - mum needed a hospital - stat - both dad and i could see it so why couldnt the dr???) That night she got admitted into hospital with severe aneamia and kidney failure, and was put straight into Intensive Care, she had 6 blood transfusions that evening, and was a mass of wires and tubes, she seemed to perk up a lil but we still didnt know what was wrong. After a month she was moved on to the gastro ward, she lasted a day before being rushed back up to icu with a suspected stroke - for a week or two, couldnt speak, looked straight through us - it was fucking (apologies for language) awful. During this time the searches for what was wrong with my mum went upwards, not only Whiston Hospital, but Manchester and Liverpool were all looking for answers too. They were looking for tropical diseases and all sorts, it was so scary. Then one day she started to perk up, she was looking at us and talking. And things were better. So back down she went to the Gastro ward. Its now August, 4 days after being on that ward things went so so bad again. We all got called out of work, mum needed Chemo. We all rushed up to the hospital to find mum sitting in a room in tears and shaking, and she was so confused. She had something called Non-Hodgkins T Cell Lymphoma. A very rare,scary form of cancer. Chemo to start as soon as she was deemed strong enough. This was on the Thursday. On the saturday she came down with Pneumonia, on the Sunday we were all rushed to the hospital again, every hour was considered a bonus, she wasnt going to make it. She was unconscious, and was placed on pathway, taken off all food and drinks, and any medications that werent pain meds. That night, my dad went home to change clothes and my brother and i stayed and watched over her, she woke up at one point - looked straight at me and my brother and begged for death. That i will never forget, nor will i forget staying off work for a month as i spent every day sitting in a cold hospital room waiting for my mum to die. I cant explain how hard that was, then bingo bango - after 2 weeks, she woke up - asked for a drink, drank and ate! Even the drs were lost for words. Eventually she was moved to the cancer ward and chemo started, a while after that she was moved into respite, and she came home in mid october. Shes now eating, drinking, pottering around the house with the aid of a zimmer, and she got the ALL CLEAR on the 23rd December. No words can express how proud of my mums fighting spirit i am. x x x x x x x

So naturally throughout all this my eating went to pot, and i started smoking again - and still i am to be perfectly honest, and needed someone to lean on, and heres the nice part :) :)

In January last year we got people working in my store who were on a government placement, i took a shine to one of them straight away, just as friends to begin with - he has the same sarcasm and sense of humour as me, and we just really got on. After a few weeks i realised i liked him more than i initially thought, but i didnt let him know, just people around me who im sure are bored to death of hearing about him now, butttt this was a new form of like for me - i never thought i could feel the way i do, sorry very smooshy, long story short ive been with him now for 5.5 months, and were very much in love :)  and he was deffo, and still is my rock :)

Btw, we're out for halloween in the first 2 pics, coz were awesome, Jekyll and Hyde ;)

So here i am, Kcal counting again - i weighed myself earlier, not nearly as bad as i thought - id actually added a stone to my weight, im now 353lbs (25 st 3), but i wont be for long. So, i hope you understand my dissapearance, but ive explained myself now :)

peace out all. :) peace out :)

P,s:- im deiting using My Fitness Pal - if you'd like to add me please do, my names caliente115 on it :) cheers :) x x x oooohhhhh and look at my new hair :oP